I'm not sure if those of you with penises are aware, but those of us with vaginas go through a really tough time around adolescence. Look, I get that we all do, regardless of gender, but girls really have it rough. Assuming a relatively normal upbringing, we all start out pretty darn carefree, with little to no concern for how what we do is perceived by other people. We all lose that to some degree throughout our lives, but girls seem to leave entire identities behind once they reach the age of 12. I know I did; it hit me worse than most. There came a point where I felt like I'd lost everything. I began to be so concerned with how I was perceived by other people that I lost most of what I loved about myself, and saw only my considerable flaws. I wasn't thin enough or pretty enough, and because I lost all physical self-esteem, I allowed my positive attributes to wane and slip away. I was too self-conscious to participate in sports, scared to voice my opinion in class (or anywhere else, for that matter), becoming an introvert out of necessity when I'd always been the type of kid to strike up a conversation with anyone, about anything at all.
I've spent the last 20 years trying to claw back out of the hole into which I fell so deeply sometime in middle school. It doesn't help much that I've always been a sensitive, empathetic soul. I glean emotions from those around me, collecting attributes I find attractive like a mockingbird with some shiny thing. In some ways it's served me well: I've always been the one to see all sides of an argument, and taking care to ensure that I don't inexplicably offend someone has always been of paramount importance. In many ways, however, it's worked much to my detriment. I'm never quite sure what parts of myself are truly mine, and which are those I put on like a cloak. I find myself anxious in social situations, always afraid if I'm saying the wrong thing, often saying nothing at all to avoid embarrassment. For years I avoided trying anything new, even activities I so desperately wanted to try and enjoy.
It took my struggle to get out of a decade-long unhappy marriage to show me that, sometimes, it's okay to let go of those fears of how you're going to be perceived. Being entirely selfish from time to time can be the best thing you can do for yourself, and even for those around you. Finding my voice has allowed me to say no, and to say yes. Each new interest into which I delve, even if it proves ultimately unsuccessful, spurs me to try the next exciting thing. I've rediscovered my love of writing, horseback-riding, and devouring books I never allowed myself the time to read. Along the way, I've found new loves in motorcycling and, of all things, karaoke (this from the woman who shudders with terror having to sing solos for her church gig). It helps that I also found someone who encourages me to step outside myself, to push myself and each other outside of our comfort zones.
I never thought I'd say it, no matter how many times I'd been told, but you know what? My 30s are good. I feel like I'm learning myself all over again, finding the pieces of who I was so long ago and lost so spectacularly along the way. My advice to you? Stop caring for a while. Find the quiet. What you find of yourself there might be wonderful jewels you forgot you ever loved.