I recognize that there are probably few people in this world who would dispute that divorce sucks. I always knew that it was not exactly an ideal situation; I like to think that everyone who gets married is doing so with the intention of remaining in a happy marriage for the rest of their lives. I know I did. I married young, and quite honestly, going into it, I knew it wasn't right, but I was hoping for the best (I'll get into some of those details in a later post). We all hear horror stories about messy divorces, and I couldn't understand how two people who loved each other at one time end up despising each other, and attempting to make each other's lives as miserable as possible. I've also had friends whose divorces were easy and amicable, but unfortunately those seem to be few and far between. My own divorce was extremely difficult at the beginning, for many reasons. Looking back, I can certainly lay blame on both of us for that. Nowadays we get along like gangbusters, and I continue to maintain that we make way better friends than spouses. Heck, I just had a conversation with my ex because he was concerned that our daughter likes his new girlfriend too much, and he was worried that that would upset me. Yup, you read that right. At the end of the day, I'm really proud of us for getting to the place where we are now. It took a lot of patience and work on both our parts.
Unfortunately, I hear way more horror stories than stories about amicable divorces. A lot of states actually seem to perpetuate and further this animosity, and make it so much easier for women to make their ex-husbands' lives miserable. Look, I realize that there are plenty of male shitheads out there as well. But we all know the old adages about a woman scorned...I maintain the simple theory that BITCHES BE CRAZY. Legit crazy.
I live in Delaware. And no, that's not a town in Pennsylvania, we are an actual state. While it's not exactly the most exciting place in the world, I have to give props where props are due, because the First State is surprisingly fair when it comes to divorce and custody. You wanna get divorced? Cool, split half your stuff and call it a day. We don't care why you wanna get divorced. Your ex could've cheated on you with a gay circus midget, and that doesn't amount to a hill of beans. Oh, you've got kids? As long as one (or both) of you isn't bat-shit crazy, you split time half and half. Kids usually like to see their dads too; some might even say it's kind of important to their development.
Now, you take Pennsylvania. Gold-diggers, this is important: get married in Pennsylvania. Make sure you get knocked up, like, a lot. The more the better. Then when you're not so happy with your baby daddy (or is that one word? Babydaddy?), file for divorce. Go ahead and tell that judge whatever you can think up in your pretty little head, because they will eat up every word like fried ice cream and give you whatever your heart desires. My boyfriend is currently going through a horrific divorce. He filed 2 1/2 years ago, and has thus far spent, oh, $20k and some change in lawyer fees, and that hasn't even touched the divorce yet. Let me repeat: for the price of a decent brand-new car, HE HAS YET TO ACTUALLY DEAL WITH THE DIVORCE. He has fought tooth and nail for his kids, and gets to see one of them, twice a month, for something like 7 hours at a time. It's sickening, and I couldn't figure out for the longest time why he's gotten the short end of the stick every time he rolls into family court... then I talked to some other folks who are in the process of getting divorced in PA. Turns out that's pretty much par for the course.
And as much as all of this sucks, it's especially embarrassing for me as a woman. I'm not exactly a feminist; in my heart of hearts, I secretly hate the women's libbers who decided women should go out and work alongside their men. Tar and feather me if you like, but I'd WAY rather be home cleaning my house and raising beautiful babies than sitting in front of a computer screen all day.
Be that as it may, I've always worked. Even when I was in college, I worked 20-30 hours a week, and lived on my own. I've worked full-time while raising both of my kiddos. It's hard, it's frustrating, but in a lot of ways it's incredibly rewarding. And when I filed for divorce, I was going to be damned if I'd ask for alimony or child support when I can get along just fine on my own. If that makes no sense to you, stick with me here. As my kids grow up, they'll know that I worked my ass off to provide for them. I'm the only one in charge of how my children see me, and I'm damn proud to set an example to them that I don't need to sit home and wait for a check from someone else to pay for our home or food. It's bad enough that I'm lumped in with a gender that can't seem to parallel park, now I have to be associated with people who'd rather mooch off someone else than take any responsibility for their lives or the betterment thereof. Worse than that, I'm mortified - and infuriated - when I hear about women who actively discourage their kids from spending time with their other parent.
Let me tell you ladies a little secret. This one might be a shocker, but stay with me, here... if your children's father wants to be in their lives, THAT'S A GOOD THING. Kids need their parents. Given the number of deadbeat dads out there, thank your lucky stars that you're not stuck with one of those assholes. And seriously, as a single mom I can attest that it's kind of nice to have a break from time to time. You want a girls' night? Well, guess what? You have a built-in babysitter in your former other half. You get some cocktails and bitch session time with your girlfriends, he gets time with his progeny, the kids get time with their dad. It's a win-win here, my friends.
Preachy isn't usually my thing (hahahaha, I can't even type that with a straight face), but you're no mother if you're not putting your children's needs before your own, particularly when they're going through a divorce. Because it's not just you and your former partner going through it. Divorce is a family affair. If you're one of those mothers who uses her children as a tool to get what she wants, for shame. For SHAME. Children are not a means to an end. And for God's sake, find some self-respect; for better or worse, your kids look up to you as a role model because they just don't know any better. Make sure that you'd be proud of what they see, and how they choose to emulate your actions.
Okay, rant ended for now. Until the next time I'm stuck behind a Prius.