Liz's Rules for Driving

You guys. You all suck at driving. I mean, I'm sure that on an individual level, there are some people out there who actually do possess some sort of situational awareness, and manage to make logic-based decisions while operating a motor vehicle, but on the whole.... you suck. To be fair, I will say that on the whole, we suck. There, does that make you feel better? While I can't profess to be any sort of expert, this is my blog, dammit, and since everyone is a fantastic driver in his or her own mind, I am officially declaring myself to be qualified to give you all advice. Here is a handy-dandy list to help you improve your basic driving skills and get from point A to point B less like a complete and utter asshole.

1. If you elected to purchase a Prius, please, for the love of all that is holy, just stay home. 2. If you're being passed on the right, chances are good that you're an asshole. 3. If you're in the left lane, and you're not passing anyone, you're an asshole. 4. If you're in the left lane, and you're not passing anyone, and there is a huge line of cars piled up behind you, you are officially the Antichrist. 5. Stop speeding up when people try to pass you. No one is trying to hurt your feelings, or tell you you have a tiny penis (unless you're driving a Hummer, in which case: I'm so sorry about the size of your penis). It's okay for someone to want to go faster than you feel is appropriate. 6. Use your turn signals. Yes, even if you're just changing lanes. I can't tell you how many almost-catastrophes I've witnessed when two douchebags have attempted to merge into the same spot sans turn signal. 7. Did I mention to get the hell out of the left lane? I might have. Regardless... seriously. Get out of the left lane. 8. Use your mirrors. They're there for a reason. If you're driving down the road with one or both of your side mirrors folded back, I'm going to assume (and likely rightly so) that you need a special helmet just to go about normal daily tasks. 9. A special hint for you giant pickup truck drivers: your four-wheel-drive does not make you invincible. Stop scaring the shit out of everyone else by driving 85mph in a blizzard. The only upside to that is that I'll have the pleasure of snickering at you when I drive by later to see you getting pulled out of a ditch by a larger truck. p.s. it's still a shame about the size of your penis. 10. Look around you. When you pull up to a red light, you should know exactly who has right of way at that moment, and who's about to have right of way. Plan accordingly. When you're coming up on a car looking to pull out in front of you, watch its wheels and be prepared for it to pull out, whether or not they have right of way or the time to pull out in front of you. Not only do humans make mistakes, but our wacky brains play tricks on us sometimes, and the driver may honestly not even register that you're there. 11. Let it go. Dude cuts you off on the highway? Take a deep breath, and let it go. Colossal jerkwad makes a right turn from the left turn lane? Let it go. Anyone who drives that way consistently will be taught a lesson in time; if it was a one-off, that person likely already knows he or she was a bonehead and feels bad enough. In my years of driving, you know what I've learned? You are never going to convince someone that they're wrong when they don't already know it, and chances are you're just going to escalate your own stress. Let. It. Go.

I'm sure there are myriad others to be added as this is by no means a comprehensive list; what little lessons have you learned along the way that you think should be passed along? Feel free to comment (and I don't mean you, spammer trying to sell fake Coach purses)(unless they're really cute and super-cheap fake Coach purses, in which case, I'll be in touch). It's springtime, and everyone is losing their minds with the joy of driving with windows down and the winds of freedom blowing in through the sun roof, so stay safe, my friends.