I’ll apologize for the length of this post now, but I’ve given this topic a lot of thought over the past few years, and especially so over the last few months for quite a few reasons. I think we can all admit that each of us has his or her own ideas of what being a Good Parent (™) means, likely based on our experiences as children being raised through adulthood, as well as those we’ve had as parents ourselves.
My brother and I were incredibly fortunate to have wonderful parents, along with a wonderful childhood and upbringing. Of course, had you asked me at 15 whether my parents were amazing, I might have had a different answer, but perhaps that’s a good indication of just how great they were and are. They weren’t just effective parents separately; they worked really well together, and I think that’s an essential ingredient. My mom tended to be more strict, which made sense since she was tasked with the daily running of the household. My dad had the ability to come home after work and unwind a bit, and has always been the more outwardly “silly” of the two. When it came to the nitty-gritty, however, they always seemed to agree on the same foundation principles, and had the same priorities. From what I could tell, and what still seems to be the case, they always strove to raise good people. They stressed kindness to each other and to those around us, and encouraged us to look at the big picture: Were we happy? What were our goals in life, how could we reach them, and how could they help us to do so? Education was important, college was expected, but occasionally dyeing my hair purple, wearing ridiculous semi-handmade clothing, and now and then sitting on the roof outside my window to smoke a cigarette were taken in stride. We were also lucky enough that we had opportunities to travel as a family, sometimes to places of which I had never heard - Nevis for 2 weeks when I was 8, a tour of the breathtaking American West when I was a preteen (during which I locked the keys in our brand-new rented van - they were thrilled, I’m sure), then Europe when I was 15. My parents continue to be avid travelers, and seem to still have a sense of joy and wonder at the world around them. Through them, I have a greater sense of tolerance toward those of different cultures, and a love of history and the new adventures experienced by visiting new places.
My husband, Chris, as the youngest of 9 children (9!!!! Yikes!), seemed to have had a very different childhood than many of his siblings. In him I also see a profound kindness, a tolerance toward people different from him and those with differing opinions, and a love of discovering the world through travel and conversations with those he meets along the way. I have to think his parents did something right, although I never had the pleasure of meeting them since they passed away long before he and I met. While we don’t speak to many of his siblings anymore (several have died, but out of the others we only associate with his oldest brother), it certainly seems that their upbringing was vastly different from Chris’s, which is perhaps unsurprising as many of them were born quite close in age to each other, and Chris is the youngest by about 5 years. Many of his siblings were out of the house by the time he would have had the opportunity to get to know them, and they certainly seem to have wildly different interests and priorities in life from those instilled in Chris.
Before Chris and I got married, we had the typical pre-marriage counseling sessions with our Episcopal church priest. Our first task was to take an online quiz, of sorts - we each had the same quiz, but had to take it separately, and it was rather time-consuming. At our first official meeting with our rector, we got the results of our respective tests, and it was rather fascinating. As it turned out, we are incredibly compatible (surprise, surprise!); so much so that our priest kept giggling as she went over the results.
As Chris and I have compared our parenting experiences with our first spouses, it got me thinking that a similar quiz could be an incredibly useful tool for couples who want to become parents. Two people who have different ideas of what “good parenting” looks like are, at best, unlikely to present any sort of unified front to the kids they’re raising. At worst, and as is so often the case, the relationship implodes, dividing the family emotionally, and often physically.
So, what is good parenting? Is it buying the kids expensive gifts and sporting equipment to the detriment of paying one’s own mortgage until the home in which they’ve grown up goes into foreclosure, then literally referring to yourself as “Superdad” (actual example of a living human)? Is it purposely alienating your children from the other parent while justifying your actions as being in the children’s best interests (also an actual example of a living human - although I could admittedly condone this if the other parent is a drug addict/convicted child molester/actual Grizzly bear)? These are obvious examples - albeit, sadly, from Chris’s and my life experiences - but I implore anyone wishing to bring a human/multiple humans into the world to think, and think hard, about what parenting means to them. Discuss with your partner what type of parents you want to be, and make a commitment to yourselves and to each other that you won’t lose who you are together in your endeavors to raise a family. Children are important, but one day they will grow up and leave the nest (I mean… that’s the idea, at least); when it’s just the two of you again, will you still Know each other? Or will you have forgotten how to be husband and wife (or any other of the myriad iterations of coupledom) because you’ve spent so long wearing your “Parents” hats, and they’ve annealed themselves permanently to your heads? Live your lives. Raise your children. Don’t live your lives for or through your children.
If you decide to no longer be a couple, think long and hard about how you can raise the children you brought into the world to be the healthiest, happiest adults they can be. That means that sometimes, you have to put up with sitting through a dance recital that lasts approximately 53 years, or you have to resign yourself to the fact that cheerleading just isn’t little peanut’s bag, no matter how much you wish it was. And you absolutely don’t get to use them as a weapon against someone else.
Whatever your ideals are, be kind to each other. Be kind to your kids. Show them how to love themselves, love other people, and put something positive into the world. Beget goodness with goodness. It’s the best we can do.