You Shouldn't Procreate.

While the title doesn't apply to everyone, it applies to plenty of jackasses, and certainly the one who wrote this article: http://elitedaily.com/life/the-most-brutally-honest-reasons-you-should-never-have-kids/ I was the younger of two kids (technically the middle child of three, but my little sister unfortunately passed away when she was one, so it was just my brother and me growing up). Honestly, I actively disliked little kids for most of my youth. That seems pretty screwed up given that I was just a kid myself, but I guess because I didn't have any experience around them, I just couldn't relate. For most of my teenage years, I truly thought I wouldn't have children of my own; then I met a guy, grew up a little, got married, and the rest is history. But I can certainly understand the inclination to live one's life unfettered, and I've never been one to wonder at my friends who chose to enjoy the world child-free.

But seriously... read the article above. What pure, unadulterated, selfish, utter horseshit (at some point I'll feel comfortable speaking my mind, I promise).

I'll just go ahead and address each of the writer's "points" in order.

1. You'll most likely screw them up: Guess what? We're humans, and therefore are all varying levels of screwed up. That's inevitable. Parents are going to lose patience at some point, miss a soccer game now and then, and accidentally elbow their kids in the face. Hell, I turned my back for one second and my six-month-old rolled off my bed onto the corner of the nightstand. I cried for hours; once the initial shock wore off, he happily hung out and played in the emergency room until it was his turn to get glued shut. And trust me, the gash over his eyebrow is the least of his problems at this point.

2. You will go broke: Okay, I can't really argue with this one. Unless you're independently wealthy, kids sap pretty much all of your resources, tangible and intangible. It's a choice you have to make; if you're not willing to put out money for daycare, food, clothing, summer camps, activities, and the like, you should probably rethink the whole kid thing.

3. Your life will never be yours again: I know folks like this. Their lives revolve around their children. Look, I love my kids to the moon and back, but one of the best things I can do for them is preserve the other relationships in my life and take enough time for myself that I'm re-charged on a regular basis. It makes me a better parent for them. Not everyone feels that way, and lots of people are perfectly okay with living their lives for their progeny, but I'm here to tell you: it doesn't have to be that way.

4. They will resent you: Um, WTF? I don't know if this chick has some major daddy issues or what. Here's how I see it: at 2 years old, you throw tantrums because your mom won't let you pull the cat's tail repeatedly. When you're a sullen teenager, NO ONE is more out of touch than your parents; they just don't get you, man. They obviously never went through your struggles. Then, something magical happens when you reach adulthood (at least, it did for me; your mileage may vary): my parents suddenly became so damn smart! Of all the things I feel for my parents, resentment is not even in the ballpark. Mainly it's gratitude and unconditional love. I hope my kids feel the same way about me that I feel about my parents.

5. Your relationships will deteriorate: see #3. Relationships deteriorate because you allow them to, not because you have children.

6. You can't be spontaneous: I can't 100% argue with this one, depending on your particular circumstances. Since I co-parent with my ex-husband, I have my kiddos half the time. That makes it an awful lot easier for me to pick up and go somewhere for the weekend on a whim, or run to a midnight movie if I feel so inclined. And no, I couldn't quit my job and move to London tomorrow, but honestly, I wouldn't do something like that if I didn't have kids because THAT SHIT REQUIRES PLANNING. I'm also lucky that I have parents five minutes up the road who are often willing to put up with babysitting duties, but for folks who don't have that, there are these magical people called actual human babysitters. You can call them up, and they come over, and you throw a few bucks at them, and THEY WILL WATCH YOUR CHILDREN FOR YOU SO YOU CAN GO DO STUFF.

7. You have to love them even when they're assholes: True enough, but how many other assholes are currently in your life whom you're forced to love? I mean, you don't stop loving your bitchy sister because she stole your cutest top and spilled guacamole on it, do you? Okay, maybe you do, but probably not forever. I have moments where my kids drive me absolutely bonkers, but loving them is never an issue.

8. You'll still be paying your student loans when you have to start paying for theirs: Uh, not necessarily. If you're paying off your own student loans, is it so awful to expect that your kids pay off theirs as well? There is no law stating that you have to fund your children's college education. Granted, I was exceptionally fortunate in that my parents planned accordingly and were willing and able to pay for my bachelor's degree, and I hope to be able to do the same for mine, but I don't see the problem with them being responsible for what I and financial aid can't cover.

9. They could disappoint you in big ways: Seriously? This is a reason not to have children? IS THIS REALLY A THING? In the illustrious words of Wesley from The Princess Bride: "Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something." Disappointment is a fact of life. I disappoint myself on a regular basis. How on earth could I expect my kids never to do so? Again, what with the being human and imperfect and all that.

10. You have to relive high school: I just. I can't. I don't even. What?

11. They ruin your body: We all know the moms. The ones who gave up. The ones wearing pleated high-waisted jeans or gathered sweat pants with XXL Disney sweatshirts. Those moms probably weren't all that hot to begin with. I realize how shitty and awful that sounds, but the fact is, chances are way better that you'll have a decent body after you have kids if you cared about it before you got pregnant. And to be fair, I've seen plenty of shit shows WITHOUT kids, so I'm not sure what their excuse is. As far as one's vagina... do your kegels, ladies, and not only will you have a way easier delivery, your vagina will bounce back like a coin off of Joe Manganiello's beautiful ass.

12. You have no more free time: See #6.

13. You will always be financially responsible: See #2.

14. None of your friends without kids will ever want to hang out with you: If your friends ditch you because you created little humans, then they're assholes. Better you find out now than deal with their continued assholery. I love my friends without children; they're always up for going out for a drink when I need some adult time. Admittedly, it can be tough when you've got a newborn, but once you're pretty sure the baby won't spontaneously combust, it's really nice to have folks over for a late-night cocktail after baby's bedtime.

15. You can't smoke weed or get drunk: Because this is a public forum I should say that I DO NOT EVER SMOKE WEED EVER BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL. But if I did... I'd do it when my kids are elsewhere. As far as drinking goes, I should probably be more embarrassed than I am to admit that my kiddos have totally seen me tipsy. No, I don't get drunk to the point of vomiting and I would absolutely never, ever, EVER drive them (or just myself, for that matter) anywhere after drinking. Considering that getting vomit-y drunk isn't all that fun, I can live with that.

16. You're gonna be that person in the minivan: Guess what? I'm gonna drop some knowledge on y'all right now... if you don't want to drive a minivan.... don't buy a minivan. No one says that if you decide to have children, you have to have them in a number that necessitates no less than three rows of seating. I have never owned a minivan. I don't like minivans. I like fast, fun cars. I drive a Speed3 because it's fun as hell, and my kids fit beautifully in the backseat and giggle while I whip around corners (did I mention my car being fun?). I drove Nathaniel around in a Mustang GT until Kathryn's birth was imminent. That's not to say that minivans aren't kind of awesome in their own way, and I'm not above borrowing one now and then for hauling stuff, but they're not my cup of tea, so I don't own one. It's kinda simple.

17. Personal space doesn't exist: Now this one really gets on my nerves. I once worked with a woman who complained that, every single night, her daughter would climb into bed between her and her husband. You know why that happened? Because she let it. I've always been a big proponent of personal space when it comes to my urchins. I moved them from bassinet to their own cribs in their own rooms within a few weeks after bringing them home; I simply can't sleep when I'm bolting awake at every sigh and gurgle they make in the night. And no one wants me to be exhausted. I'm not nice when I'm exhausted. Personal space is all about the boundaries you set when children are small. You want to be alone in the bathroom? Don't allow that to be a place where they can bother you. It's pretty easy to say "Mommy is in the bathroom right now, we will talk when I come out." In my experience, kids learn fairly quickly what's their space and what's not. Likewise, my kids are not allowed to enter my bedroom unless they knock first, even if the door is wide open. When it's time to tidy up the house, they are to clean up their own messes and put their stuff where it belongs. This isn't rocket science, people. If you're the parent, you set the rules.

Obviously, the author of the article doesn't want to have kids. And that's perfectly okay. What's NOT okay is writing a piece of un-researched tripe championing her opinion. Having children has been the most difficult, wonderful, rewarding, frustrating thing I've ever done. To me, it's also the most important thing I've ever done. It's not for everyone, and I will never judge someone for making the decision that having kids is not for them; I'd just like the same courtesy for making the decision to have them.

HARUMPH, I say.