Wow, that title sounds a lot grosser than originally intended, now that I'm re-reading it... but hey. I committed. I'm just gonna roll with it. So, I don't want to give too much away at this juncture, as it wouldn't be prudent (haha! The 80s! I'm old). What I will say is that big changes are coming for me in 2015. And here you thought 2014 was a big year; well, I'm here to tell you that 2015 is going to be positively EPIC.
The other day I was mentioning some of these exciting changes to my lovely father, who pointed out that he was rather incredulous, given the issues with confidence I've had throughout my life. You know, some days I'm a little incredulous too. These past few years have been fraught with many changes, some awful, most positive. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to break down entirely in order to build back up into something stronger, something more vibrant, more centered, more vital.
Back in 2011, my world exploded. It was a necessary step for me, but not without collateral damage, and certainly not without temporarily leaving me feeling like a quivering mass of nothing at all from time to time. Prior to that, I'd been plodding along through a fairly ordinary life, mostly unsatisfied but feeling so deeply entrenched that my apathy tended to outpace the dissatisfaction. In my life up to that point, I'd always had a pointed sense of having the ability to be more - but not even sure what that meant, and certainly with no clue how to go about making it happen. Even had I had an inkling of the what or the how, I had none of the requisite deep-rooted belief that I was capable, or even deserving, of reaching whatever it was I felt was my true potential.
At the end of 2011, I took a weekend MSF class at the local DMV. I had every expectation that I would likely crash and burst into flames, but I'd wanted to try my hand at motorcycling for many years (and, as was so often the case, was told "No, can't, not allowed")(seriously, I used to accept that as a valid reason not to do all the things) and was determined to at least make my best effort and see what happened.
Well, I didn't burst into flames. Like several others in the class, I took a couple of tumbles on the beat-up little 125cc, but as it turned out, that's kind of the point of the class: get that shit out on the course, get help, figure out what you're doing, and THEN take it to the road. Kinda smart, huh? In the end, I passed with not only flying colors, but an invitation to come back and teach once I had a couple years of experience under my belt. Voila! I had a valid motorcycle endorsement on my license.
And a crippling fear of taking my old KZ440 out on the road. Thankfully, I now have someone by my side who gives me gentle (and maybe sometimes not-so-gentle) nudges when I need them. My very patient boyfriend took me to a large local neighborhood, where I spent hours negotiating the wide roads, stop signs, and turns, until finally I felt comfortable enough to ride my own bike home. I'm not sure if that was a turning point for me, but man, did it feel good. Like I was a real grown-up person! Doing a grown-up thing!
It's amazing how something like learning how to control a motorcycle can give you skills to handle life a little better. I'm proud to be a woman on a bike, with all the good and bad that comes with it. When I learn hard into a turn, not able to tell where I end and where metal begins, g-forces playing delight with my senses, I don't feel invincible (the day I feel that, I'll hang up my keys for good), but glory in knowing that I made this perfect moment happen, this one-ness with something so freeing, an ability I've honed through time, mistakes, happy coincidences, and one very unhappy accident. I can't even tell you when it happened, but I can tell you that the things that used to cripple me with fear don't bother me so much any more, and when they do, I know that I'm perfectly well-equipped to tackle them in spite of it. This coming year, I'll be doing for me. And while that's terrifying on so many levels, it's not crippling. It's invigorating, a source of focus, and reason to celebrate.
Don't ever let anyone tell you there's no reason to be afraid. My friends, there are myriad reasons to be afraid. What makes the difference is not letting that fear control you, and loving you enough to surround yourself with the people who will encourage you to push through the fear. I, for one, refuse to let me be the one standing in the way of being more me. I kinda like me these days.