In the interest of full disclosure, the title of the song is technically “All I Want to Do Is Make Love to You” but we all know that’s not what the inimitable Ann Wilson actually sang. Nor should she have, obvs.
I should also point out that this is one dope-ass song and Heart is a dope-ass band. With that said, this particular song cracks me up every time I hear it. Even in 1990 when it was released, the lyrics were…. questionable, at best. But in 2023? HARD YIKES but also I have a lot of questions. So, since this blog is just my own li’l loquacious circle-jerk, imma do what I want and give a breakdown of this legit banger that should be more of a cautionary tale than it is, clearly.
Let’s dive on in, shall we?
It was a rainy night
When he came into sight
Standing by the road
No umbrella, no coat
So, here comes Ann, driving in the rain. She spots a dude on the side of the road. Pretty simple, right? But, like… no umbrella OR coat? What is this guy’s deal? I’m sure there’s a lot of the story we’re not getting - but I’d love to know how an adult human ends up on a road at night in the rain with no accoutrements. I’ll tell you for damn sure that I would not be stopping for this psychopath (or, worse, stone-cold moron), not even if it were 1968 when such shenanigans were commonplace.
So I pulled up alongside
And I offered him a ride
He accepted with a smile
So we drove for a while
ANN. GIRL. This is how you get murderdurdurrrred. As someone who has devoured true crime documentaries and podcasts, this CANNOT end well.
I didn’t ask him his name
This lonely boy in the rain
Fate, tell me it’s right, is this love at first sight?
Please don’t make it wrong, just stay for the night
Okay sooooo they didn’t do standard introductions when he got in the car? Also… did she have a towel to put down, or is he just willy-nilly sopping up his rain-butt with her fancy 1990 cloth interior?? Ew. Regardless, I can’t say whether I truly believe in love at first sight, but, Ann. It’s probs not. And why are we now talking about staying for the night? Like, in the car? Anywho, let’s keep goin:
All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will, you want me too
All I wanna do is make love to you
I’ve got lovin’ arms to hold onto
Well. That escalated quickly. So now Ann’s asking for a ticket to poundtown, which, like… honestly, get it, girl, but I’m still concerned that your standards are really fucking low.
So we found this hotel
It was a place I knew well
We made magic that night
Oh, he did everything right
Bish you know that was a MOTEL, and we know why you know it well. I need to know how many times she’s found a bedraggled roadmuffin in her travels and brought dude back to this place to bang.
He brought the woman out of me
So many times, easily
And in the mornin’ when he woke
All I left him was a note
Hell YES get that orgasm babyyyyy
I’d venture to guess that most guys would LOVE to wake up after sex with a stranger to an empty bed and a note.
I told him I am the flower, you are the seed
We walked in the garden, we planted a tree
Don’t try to find me, please don’t you dare
Just live in my memory, you’ll always be there
HOLD UP bitch WTF. A couple stanzas ago, you were asking if it was love at first sight, knowing full well all you wanted was a damn baby? AND YOU HAVE A DUDE AT HOME ALREADY? Also, can we talk about how on earth she would even know if she’s pregante/pargonate/pragnat literally the next morning? I mean, Moist Road Guy might be infertile, and then you’re just taking alllll kinds of chances with STDs for a big ol’ nothin’. Plus, I didn’t tell people I was pregnant until I was at least 20 weeks along. This chick be telling people THE MOMENT OF IMAGINED CONCEPTION? I call bullshit.
Also: I’m not even going to go into the reproductive assault part of this, because I’m sure he wasn’t exactly raring to throw a condom on, but, like… you can’t just ON PURPOSE GET PREGNANT WITH SOMEONE’S BABY without their permission and then be like thanks byeeeeeeeeeee
ALSO also: Ma’am, if he thinks you’re having his baby I GUARANTEE he is not going to look for you. It’ll be more like It Follows but in reverse, with the babydaddy forever walking away from wherever you are.
Then it happened one day
We came ‘round the same way
You can imagine his surprise
When he saw his own eyes
Yeah, that’s a mindfuck. She did give him fair warning, though. Would be funnier if she meant that someone else had Moist Road Guy (tm)’s actual eyes, but then I guess he wouldn’t be able to see them.
I said, “Please, please understand
I’m in love with another man
And what he couldn’t give me, oh-oh
Was the one little thing that you can”
NOW we get to the truth of the matter. Hubs at home is shooting blanks, so obviously the least unhinged solution is to find a rain-soaked hitchhiker to spray his DNA up in your babymaker. I have SO many questions, though.
Does dude at home know she’s doing this? I feel like he must, because if she knows he’s infertile, HE probably knows he’s infertile, and he’s prolly like “Yeah find you a potential serial killer lol”… but it sure seems like she’s maybe done this a bunch of times since she knows the mo-er, hotel, well.
Why is she assuming that rando guy would be just fine with having his crotch fruit out in the world all willy nilly? I mean, I don’t think 99% of men would care so long as they don’t have to pay support, but there’s gotta be someone who’s freaked out by that?
Not for nothing, and I know it couldn’t exactly work the same way, but what if the genders were reversed? I bet NOW you’re feeling really itchy. I sure am. Yeesh.